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Andrew Cuomo Responds to Damning Attorney General Report With Slideshow of People He Hasn’t Sexually Harassed

There are other horrifying details, but you get the gist. Based on these alone, you might think that the governor would have held a press conference to announce his resignation effective immediately, or that he might have a better response to the allegations than, effectively, “I touch everyone inappropriately.” But, surprise! Here are a series of words Cuomo actually said on Tuesday:

Cab drivers. Bellhops. The guy working the TKTS ticket booth. The cast of Mamma Mia!. A waiter at the Olive Garden in Times Square. The CEO of the New York Stock Exchange. A Mister Softee truck driver. The goats in Riverside Park. Mr. Met.

Does this make the allegations sound less bad? Incredibly, in the mind of Cuomo and the people advising him, the answer is yes! And they didn’t stop there! Later, the governor’s office released a written response, roughly 70% of which was (1) photos of him touching people, and (2) photos of other politicians who are not Cuomo touching people.

It includes photos of Cuomo hugging his mother and father. Other bizarre choices by the staffer who was presumably assigned the job of searching Google Images using the phrase “politicians + hugging” include Barack Obama comforting a Hurricane Sandy victim and Michelle Obama hugging Hillary Clinton. (It’s also possible that Cuomo, completely out of his mind, selected and put together the series of photos himself.)

Of course, normally hugging people in public is not what Cuomo has been accused of, but, as laid out by James’s office, grabbing women’s breasts and implying he wants to have sex with them. So, there’s that.

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