Scarlett Johansson attacked by Disney as being too capitalistic

HOLLYWOOD – Disney attack Scarlett Johansson for wanting more money.

In a statement released today, Disney have attacked Black Widow star Scarlett Johansson for wanting more money. The statement reads:

It is with great sadness more than anger that we have seen Scarlett Johansson launching a lawsuit against us because we’ve been trying to bilk her out of money. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear: we were bilking her for the sake of the children. Of course, we can never know if any children have died as a direct result of her unscrupulous demands, but within the last 48 hours some children have definitely died in the world and so we leave it to you to draw your own conclusions. Here, at Disney the most important thing for us is art and morality. Self sacrifice comes a close third and of course the children are neck and neck with helping old people to cross the road bringing up the field.  So imagine – if you will – our consternation! Our outrage and heartbreak at this mercenary slattern daring to sully our minds with talk of commerce.


There’s a real stink of capitalism in all this. When we set out to make a bunch of movies about superheroes saving the world from a blue light coming from the sky, we made it clear that we were doing it for humanitarian reasons. Yes. And for the kids. All the money we got, we gave away. We gave it to our CEOs; and we gave some to our stars; we even gave some to tax deductible charity organisations. In fact, we even gave some of it to Scarlett. But oh no! She wants more. More, more, more. But if we gave it all to her, how could we give it to our shareholders. They’re not called “shares” for nothing.

So we home Ms. Johansson will thinking of the children she has unwittingly killed by this reckless action. Think of the cutest animal, with really big eyes and a slight lisp when it sings. Now imagine Scarlett Johansson hitting it with a hammer. Bang, bang, bang. Until it is nothing but a soggy blood soaked rag of gore. That is the image we want you to take away.  That is the image that best shows up this whole situation.

When phoned for comment, Scarlett Johansson issued one of the loudest sounding farts this reporter has ever heard. And I interviewed John Candy.

Black Widow is currently on Netflix.


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